Alright, so to start with, I don’t really have Gastro. I’m actually not really sure what I have, but I get results back tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll finally know. It’s really frustrating to feel completely fine (like this very moment) but epically shit (like 2 hours ago) all in a matter of moments. I’ve had to bail on a few of my shifts at work because of it which of course makes me feel guilty, and I’m sure that this then makes me a little worse too, but that’s a whole other issue.

And there is (of course) this nagging voice in my head screaming cancer. This is my psychosis – having a few too many people in my family diagnosed in such a way has left me slightly convinced that every time I go to the doctors, cancer will be mentioned again. After all, it’s been a few years since the last diagnosis…. psychotic, I know. But, because I’ve now spent the whole weekend wondering what my blood test will say (probably just something shit like Glandular Fever), the voice is screaming. Especially when I’m about to go to sleep. Which just makes it much much much worse because then I don’t sleep. Which makes me feel dizzier in the morning and… BLEUGH just BLEUGH.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before….

I HATE BEING SICK!!!!

But there was another moment of sick / guilt crapness this week. One that wasn’t because of work (YAY), but study. I was supposed to have a group assignment talk on Thursday. And I did really well, I got all the way to the bus stop. And then threw up. So I bought a DVD (as an excuse to get out of the car and walk around) and came home. Hence the doctors and the blood…

As I opened my email to tell my poor, poor group, I found an email from one of the other girls. There are four of us in the group, me, Girl 1, Girl 2 and Boy. Girl 1 and 2 have done basically all of the work on account of me being too sick and dizzy to really concentrate on anything (I don’t know what Boy has been doing). I’ve done bits, but, as I’m normally the group member who does almost everything, this was a really weird position to find myself in. And, that was before Girl 1 sent her email!

Basically, it was to tell us (me and Boy) that she was really pissed at the fact that we hadn’t contributed as much. Which, I think is fair… kind of, it was still kind of rude to send it on the day of the talk. We’ve had 4 weeks, why not tell us that she’s not impressed throughout the time of actually doing the assignment? Yes, I feel guilty because I was useless and horrible. But, there’s always one useless person in the group, and I would never berate them the way she did. It was actually so harsh that I’ve asked to not get grades for that aspect of the course to placate her. Stupid guilt.

Admittedly, guilt makes me do a lot of things I don’t want to. And it is really easy to guilt me into anything and everything. Something that my family is well aware of, and I’m trying to work on this…

Image source: Writers Bloc