This week one of my managers decided to leave. Well, actually, to move on to another winery in the same company. It made me wonder if there would be an available full time position, and whether I would want to take it. After all, full time work is a little more stable. BUT I have just accepted a PhD and that is full time. I can’t do both.
What thinking about this really made me realise is that I am genuinely scared to completely commit to something and believe the good things in life. I’m still not 100% sure that I’m going to get the PhD scholarship (even though I have been offered, and accepted it). And although I’m excited to commit to 3 years to researching something that I love, I’m already concerned about what is going to happen when I finish it. 3 years is a long time. Logical Skye knows that that is dumb. But try to tell my brain that…
This is where I’m a little odd (or at least one of the ways). I LOVE change, I thrive on organised chaos, and I get bored if things are constantly the same. BUT big changes. The ones that upend your life and have the ability to change your future – they scare me. Especially the ones that I have control of. I hate making that choice. It is full of pressure and a little intimidating. After all, what if I make the wrong choice?
Luckily, I have an amazing partner who, although his initial reactions are always not quite what I wanted, always (eventually) supports me in what I want to do. Which is why, although I am truly terrified to commit to a PhD and trust in the fact that I can do one, I’m still going to try. It’s a whole new step in my life. But I’m excited. And scared. And overwhelmed. And confused. Stupid choices.